Once

I search for you between legs late at night

Sometimes I think I catch a glimpse of you

In the bottom of my drinking glass

Once I could have sworn I saw you

Smoking in my ashtray

I’ve been seeking you for so long that I’ve forgotten

Your face or even if you had a face

Your name your story your laugh

The way you smelled just like lilacs

I’ve forgotten all

Hazily I remember feeling good once

One night toxic panting in my sinner’s bed

I thought I heard you calling

Turned to the tongueless girl next to me

No it wasn’t her

Sometimes if I take enough pills

I feel you creeping up my fingers

Your soul in my muscle memory

Everyone thinks I’m crazy

I burn the earth to impress the moon

The path I search is paved

In vices blisters and stubbed toes

Once I thought I caught your scent in the mirror

Next to straws and razorblades

It’s hard to navigate the scenery

When the trail’s been erased

Someone’s taped over you

With their favorite sit-com

Had to catch the last laugh

Maybe I dreamt you

Compiled you from books

And movies and other lies

I was sure I felt you in my wallet

Full of sickly dead men

Maybe you’re just a masthead

A banner I wave something to show

For this revolting foot race

A fictitious prize for drowning myself 

Hazily I remember feeling good once